Miss Vulcan, the Belle of Birmingham (Miss Vulcan 1939)
Book by Marian Partee, Lyrics by Noelle Donfeld, Music by Jan Powell
Three Debutantes
Move over American Idol, step aside Dancing with the Stars. It’s the competition that’ll have everyone talking! Roman mythology and 1930’s Birmingham collide in this zany musical romp, where “ugly” is only in the eye of the beholder!
(Cast: 4W, 3M, plus unsuspecting victims from the crowd)
The citizens of Birmingham, Alabama, take great pride in their statue of the bare-assed god Vulcan. The year is 1939, and a stranger named John Doe announces a beauty contest to crown Vulcan’s Queen. Evelyn Tully, a bookish cosmetics clerk at the five-and-dime, would love to win the contest for the college scholarship, but she has neither the money nor the self-confidence to enter. Soda jerk and aspiring inventor, Glenn Williams, tries to convince her to compete, to no avail. The shy nerd also tries to confess his love for her… to no avail.
Three conniving debutantes prepare for the contest, with the assistance of hapless audience members. Pearl, a wannabe anorexic, enlists the aid of her mama to make a dietetic cabbage soup. Ruby, a cheerleader who personally helps each member of the Crimson Tide score, seeks flirting tips from her mama. Self-righteous Opal blackmails her philandering mayor daddy into buying her a gown from Neiman Marcus.
J.C. Inglis, manager of the five-and-dime, buys Evelyn a lovely gown and pays her entrance fee. Evelyn feels beautiful in the dress, especially when she dances with Glenn. She is tempted to compete, but she decides against it when she discovers that she’ll have to appear in a swimsuit.
When the debutantes discover that Evelyn has been entered in the pageant, they try to convince her that someone from her class shouldn’t dare to enter such an elite contest. Outraged, Evelyn finally agrees to vie for the crown.
John Doe hosts the pageant, in which Evelyn, the debutantes, and two audience members demonstrate their domestic skills, intellectual ability, and artistic talents. When Evelyn wins, John Doe reveals that he is in fact the god Vulcan, who has chosen her for his queen! When he offers to make her an immortal goddess, Evelyn chooses Glenn instead. Vulcan settles for the runner-up, one of the audience contestants, to join him in a life of endless rapture on Mount Olympus.
For a promo, go to: www.redmountaintheatre.org/1415-miss-vulcan-1939.html
Selected Lyrics
SHE'S GOIN' DOWN
SHE’S GOIN’ DOWN
c) Donfeld/Powell
Debutantes
SHE’S GOIN’ DOWN
SHE’S GOIN’ DOWN
UNBELIEVABLY, SHE’S ON AN EGO TRIP
BUT HER EGO’S GOING TO FALL
I CAN HEAR THE DEARIE BAWL
WHEN SHE SEES HER EGO’S ON A SINKING SHIP.
SHE’S GOIN’ DOWN.
SHE’S GOIN’ DOWN.
Opal
SHE WILL SINK LIKE THE TITANIC
I CAN SEE THE DARLING PANIC
WHEN SHE KNOWS THAT IN A MOMENT SHE WILL DROWN
Pearl
YES, HER FOOLISH EGOMANIA
IS LIKE THE LUSITANIA
AND BOUND TO BRING HER LITTLE DINGY DOWN, DOWN, DOWN,
All
SHE’S GOIN’ DOWN
SHE’S GOIN’ DOWN
WE’LL HEAR “S O S” AND WATCH HER SONAR BLIP
Ruby
SHE’LL GO CRYIN’ THROUGH THE PARK
WHEN SHE SINKS LIKE NOAH’S ARK.
Opal
Wait…Noah’s ark didn’t sink. It got stuck, up high, on a mountain, on the top of a very high mountain.
RUBY
The very top?
OPAL
Yes.
(They all look at each other and shrug.)
ALL
Doesn’t matter.
All
SHE’S GOIN’ DOWN, DOWN, DOWN,
SHE’S GOIN’ DOWN, DOWN, DOWN, DOWN
SHE’S GOIN’ DOWN, DOWN, DOWN, DOWN
WHO COULD WANT MORE?
WHO COULD WANT MORE?
c) Donfeld/Powell
Evelyn(Formerly Sarah)
WHEN IT COMES TO LIPSTICK
I’LL FIND THE PERFECT COLOR
AUTUMN BLOOMING PEACH OR DUSTY ROSE.
WHEN IT COMES TO LIVING
MY LIFE COULD NOT BE DULLER
WHO CARES ABOUT PERFUMES AND SWANKY CLOTHES?
I’M SURE THE BLUEBLOOD LADIES WOULD AGREE,
THE STUFF THEY BUY
DOESN’T APPLY TO ME.
CLOSE THE COUNTER, FIND YOUR HAT,
WANDER HOME AND FEED THE CAT.
LIFE SHOULD BE SIMPLE
WHO COULD WANT MORE?
GRAB THE PAPER FROM THE STOOP
OPEN UP SOME CAMPBELL ’S SOUP
LIFE SHOULD BE SIMPLE
WHO COULD WANT MORE?(J.C. re-enters, unnoticed by Evelyn.)KEEP IT SIMPLE NIGHT TO MORN
DON’T BE DISAPPOINTED
FACE THE FACT THAT YOU WEREN’T BORN
ONE OF LIFE’S ANOINTED.
UP AT DAWN TO FACE THE DAY.
EVERY DAY A SHADE OF GRAY
LIFE SHOULD BE SIMPLE
WHO NEEDS A WORLD TO EXPLORE?
DON’T GET YOUR HOPES UP.
WHO COULD WANT MORE?
THE BEST OF FRIENDS
THE BEST OF FRIENDS
c) Donfeld/Powell
(The debutantes)
Opal (to Pearl)
YOUR COOKING’S SO INCREDIBLE
Pearl (to Opal)
YOU’LL WIN ‘CAUSE YOU’RE SO PURE
Opal
MY OL’ FOOD IS BARELY EDIBLE,
SO I FEED THE FILTHY POOR.
Ruby (to Pearl)
YOUR PECAN PIE COULD MAKE YOU DIE
AND STILL YOU’RE ALMOST THIN.
Pearl(to Ruby)
YOUR ALLURE IS HARD TO CLASSIFY
WHICH IS WHY I’M SURE YOU’LL WIN.
All
HOW WILL THE VOTERS CHOOSE?
TWO OF US ARE BOUND TO LOSE
THOUGH, WHEN ALL THE HOOPLA ENDS
WE WILL STILL BE BEST OF FRIENDS.
RUBY (to PEARL)
I hope you win.
PEARL (to RUBY)
I hope you win.
OPAL
Well, we all can’t win.
Pearl (to Ruby)
THE CRIMSON TIDE WOULD DIE FOR YOU.
Opal (to Ruby)
I’M SURE YOU HELP THEM SCORE.
Pearl (to Ruby)
AND THE TIGERS ALSO VIE FOR YOU.
Opal (to Ruby)
THOUGH I’M SURE YOU’RE NOT A WHORE.
(short, stunned silence)
All
HOW WILL THE VOTERS CHOOSE?
TWO OF US ARE BOUND TO LOSE
THOUGH, WHEN ALL THE HOOPLA ENDS
WE WILL STILL BE BEST OF FRIENDS.
THE VERY BEST, THE VERY BEST
THE VERY BEST OF FRIENDS!
(They dance.)
Ruby
HOW YOU DARLINGS LOVE TO TALK AND EAT.
Opal (to Pearl)
YOUR TALENT NEVER ENDS.
Pearl
LOOK AT US! WE’RE ALL SO DOGGONE SWEET
All
COULDN’T BE THREE BETTER FRIENDS.
THE VERY BEST, THE VERY BEST
THE VERY BEST OF FRIENDS!
THE VERY BEST OF FRIENDS!
Yeah!
(reprise, later on)
Ruby
I CAN’T BELIEVE THE MOUSE WOULD RUN
Opal
WHO’D THINK SHE HAD THE NERVE?
Pearl
SHE COULD GET THE TITLE WHEN SHE’S DONE,
All
AND A CROWN SHE WON’T DESERVE
HOW WILL THE VOTERS CHOOSE?
THERE’S A CHANCE WE ALL COULD LOSE.
THOUGH WHEN OUR CONNIVING ENDS,
WE WILL STILL BE BEST FRIENDS.
Pearl
I’LL COOK THE BEST.
Opal
BE BETTER DRESSED.
Ruby
I’LL BARE A BREAST.
(Opal and Pearl look at Ruby. Then:)
All
WE WILL STILL BE BEST OF FRIENDS.
THE VERY BEST OF FRIENDS.
Yeah!
WHO INVENTED LOVE?
WHO INVENTED LOVE?
c) Donfeld/Powell
Glenn
I’VE ALWAYS BEEN INSPIRED
BY ENTERPRISING MINDS.
INVENTING SOMETHING GREAT IS MY IDEAL.
AMONG MY MOST ADMIRED
ARE EDISON AND FORD
AND EVEN FERRIS; HE IMPROVED THE WHEEL.
THERE’S LEVI STRAUSS AND WHITNEY
AND ALEXANDER BELL.
DA VINCI’S MIND WAS ALWAYS HEADS ABOVE.
BUT THERE’S ONE I HONOR MOST.
YES, I’D LIKE TO RAISE A TOAST
TO THE GENIUS WHO INVENTED LOVE.
OH, WHO INVENTED THE FEELING
THAT SOMEHOW SOMEONE COULD SOAR,
FLYING UP TO THE CEILING,
WITH FEET STILL DOWN ON THE FLOOR?
WHO INVENTED ELATION,
THIS WINGING HIGH AS A DOVE?
WHO THOUGHT UP THIS SENSATION?
WHO INVENTED LOVE?(Glenn picks up a mop and starts singing to it.)
FRANKLIN ’S KITE IN A RAIN STORM
DREW LIGHTNING OUT OF THE SKY
BUT WHO WAS BLESSED WITH THE BRAIN STORM
THAT DRAWS A GIRL TO A GUY?
OTIS TOOK ELEVATION
TO FLOORS BELOW AND ABOVE.
THAT WAS QUITE A CREATION,
BUT WHO INVENTED LOVE?
J.C.
THE WRIGHT BROTHERS FLEW THROUGH THE BLUSTERY BLUE
BUT THEY HAD TO USE A PLANE.
AND ZEPPELIN, TOO, HAD HIS BLIMP DEBUT
BUT GAS PROVED TO BE A PAIN.
Glenn (still to the mop)
CHEERS TO LOU DAGUERRE’S SHUTTER.
HIS CAM’RA GOT OFF THE GROUND,
BUT WHO INVENTED THIS FLUTTER
THAT THRILLS ME WHEN YOU’RE AROUND?
FULTON FATHERED THE STEAMBOAT
THAT FLOATED BY WITH ITS CREW.
BUT WHO INVENTED THE DREAMBOAT
I SEE WHEN I LOOK AT YOU?
Glenn and J.C.
WHO DEVISED THIS EMOTION
FITTING AS SNUG AS A GLOVE?
Glenn
I LIKE HIM THE MOST,
J.C.
LET’S GIVE HIM A TOAST
Glenn
BUT WHO INVENTED LOVE?
FINALE, AN UGLY MAN
FINALE, AN UGLY MAN
c) Donfeld/Powell
Vulcan
DON’T YOU LEAVE A BIT OF LITTER,
FROM BANANA PEELS TO GLITTER,
EVERYTHING BELONGS THERE IN THE TRASH.
Jake and Sarah
IF WE FILLED YOUR HEART WITH LAUGHTER,
MAKE US HAPPY EVERAFTER
Jake, Sarah, J.C.
BUY MORE TICKETS. WE COULD USE THE CASH.
Debutantes
OUR THANKS TO THOSE WHO VOLUNTEERED
TO ACT ON OUR BEHALFS.
Jake, J.C., Tour Guide
YOU STOLE THE LIMELIGHT, AS WE FEARED,
AND GOT THE BIGGEST LAUGHS.
All
HAH! HAH! HAH!
HAH! HAH! HAH!
J.C.
THE PAPARAZZI OUT IN FRONT
WOULD LIKE YOUR PHOTOGRAPHS.
All
HERE’S TO YOU!
CHEERS TO YOU!
IT WOULD REALLY BE A BUMMER
IF YOU DON’T COME BACK THIS SUMMER,
TELL YOUR FRIENDS TO JOIN US WHEN THEY CAN.
MAKE THE WORLD A BETTER PLACE , AND
LOOK BEYOND A PERSON’S FACE.
CELEBRATE A TRULY UGLY MAN!
YES, EVEN IF YOUR LOVER’S GRUESOME,
YOU COULD MAKE AN AWESOME TWOSOME,
CELEBRATE A TRULY UGLY MAN!
(THE END.)
A published songwriter, Donfeld is a member of the Dramatist Guild, ASCAP, ALAP, and on the Board of the Academy for New Musical Theatre, Los Angeles.